Monday, November 5, 2012

I'm still a mother!

by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachery Wasik 

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Through some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

This poem has special meaning to me because back in the summer of 2000, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was expecting. We'd had a magical night while at a conference in New Jersey and he'd even said he was going to get me pregnant but I didn't really believe him.  I just remember feeling very much loved and desired, at the time that was more than I could have hoped for. 

When I found out 1 1/2 months later I was so excited, full of joy and happiness only to suffer a miscarriage 2 weeks later. My husband and I really never discussed it, I always wished we would have. It would have comforted me so much because at the time I blamed myself , thinking that I had somehow done something wrong, that I was a failure at being a mother. He pulled far away from me after that and I came to believe that he blamed me too. Now I know that I have Endometriosis, though that might not have had anything to do with it at all, it could have been anything that caused it. The main thing is I no longer blame myself but I still really don't like Mother's Day, because it reminds me of everything I lost. 

My baby would have been 11 this year, I miss him so much. I've always felt that it was a boy, perhaps because that's what I wanted, first a boy then a sweet little girl that would have had her daddy's heart wrapped around her finger. He would be her big brother and protect her when we couldn't. I feel this dream fading fast and it's such a bittersweet pain. This is my way of dealing I guess, letting it out and sharing it.

Too Soon
by Mary Yarnell

This was a life
That had hardly begun
No time to find
Your place in the sun
No time to do
All you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy
The world and it's wealth
No time to take life
Down off the shelf
No time to sing
The song of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long
Endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer
The sorrowing years;
No betrayal, no anger,
No hatred, no fears
Just love, only love, in your lifetime.

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